This is a very difficult subject, a heavy subject, one which I personally toiled with for some time to write about, then I realised that it is a common issue, much more common than one thinks, especially amongst those who have become victim of a marriage or a family breakdown.
So why not? Somebody may find comfort in these words.
So here I am, one such person, a failed husband and father, one with a conscience, a good person who was put on this earth to be loyal and honest and hardworking has failed, that level of failure has, had, affected me deeply, it wasn’t ever supposed to happen.
As I can see it, there are three ways you can deal with a relationship breakdown, you can either bury it, pretend it hasn’t happened, or you can blame the other party and not take any responsibility for your actions, or you can be logical and kind and ease it on its way in a friendly manner if it is beyond repair.
With my marriage breakdown, I naturally chose the latter, naturally I would, I was a kind and considerate father, wanting just the best for my children and to make the whole sorry affair as painless as possible. Children are, of course, the victims in this type of thing, they don’t have a say, only ‘adults’ have a say even though we act like children in the process.
However, others feel differently, to others, their children are a weapon to be used, a volley of Exocets to be launched.
Now this blog in not a witch hunt, it could have been, clearly this is my channel to vent my spleen, but that is not the true intention of what I wish to say.
What I wish to throw out to you is this:-
No matter how much you love someone, no matter how painful it may be to both parties, no matter how hard you have tried, is there a point when you have to set your love ones free?
To say, ‘enough is enough’.
To say to yourself ‘I can no longer be of any help to you’ and to be at ease with that decision and to be able to go to sleep at night knowing that your decision could hurt others.
The simple answer is yes, of course, the more difficult answers is no, they will come around, give it time.
Ah time, that universal healer, time.
But let’s not forget that time has a habit of running out, that is the very nature of the stuff.
My own personal situation involves the lack of access to my children, a common issue it seems with a marriage breakdown as you can read here, and one which once dominated my life utterly, completely.
Then a dawning realisation hit me, maybe they don’t want to see me after all, maybe it is their decision, maybe I’m not as nice as I think I am, maybe I’ve not been fair and just and honest and kind, maybe I’m a monster in disguise.
I guess those who have been in the same position feel exactly like I did, the doubt phase I call it. So I looked around at my remaining family and friends and how they reacted to me, just me, on a day-to-day basis, and that was all positive mainly, (there was an incident with a car park attendant where he’d say otherwise), but by-and-large, I think, people liked me, they hugged me, they kissed me, we laughed together, still do.
So here’s another question.
If people (with acception of the parking attendant), like me, why don’t my children? The centre of my life.
Well I think the answer to that is simply laid out in front of us, isn’t it?
The bitter ex.
And this is where I generalise, but I hope you can relate.
Many people have ex-partners whose sole reason for living is to incite or upset or to be just plan nasty, where as a nurse has in her DNA the want, the need to help others, for example, these people have the need to be negative and unpleasant, to upset and to manipulate.
They are very plausible, very convincing, very very clever at times.
They can bring the whole situation spiralling downwards. They will play the hard done by card, they will gather your gullible once joint friends around them, friends without loyalty, without logic and they will tell lies about you.
Now here’s a word or advice. Raise above it, it doesn’t matter what people think, you, in your very soul know what you truly are, they can say what they like, smile at them, don’t even try to put them right, it’s not a worthy exercise and they don’t deserve your efforts at putting the record straight.
They also don’t have the right to control your happiness, so raise above it.
And this is where I will answer the question.
Yes, you can cut your loved ones free, of course you can, but not until you are satisfied that every last ounce of strength at saving that relationship has been expelled, you cannot.
There are times when clearly an ex-partner needs to be removed from your life very quickly, and it is right to do that swiftly for your own sanity, but with children, you have to put the effort in until your conscience tells you that you can no longer help them until they help themselves.
Without them putting the effort in to help themselves, they will assume that life is about blaming others, about manipulating until you get what you want, about crying false tears until the other person breaks, and that to me anyhow, is not making them good, rounded, kind human beings. That makes them just another number in this selfish society we live in.
I have experienced this first hand, and there is always a space in time where it is right for those who wish deeply not to be involved in your life, unless they gain some degree of reparation, some financial transaction, my love for your money, to be cut free.
Only then will they learn the error of their ways, but also you’ll become a better stronger and strangely, happier and kinder person in the long run.
Cruel to be kind?
Uncaring and thoughtless?
Sad to the extreme?